


To Live a Life

by conniptionns



Series: Leave a Trace [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-28
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-10 19:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13508106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conniptionns/pseuds/conniptionns
Summary: Andrew asked Neil to take care of Kevin, and Neil is still skittish around Kevin because of his childhood, obviously, but he's not going to fuck around. Andrew asked, of course he'll do it. Andrew is gone and Neil is doing everything he can to keep Kevin together and Kevin is freaking out. Neil never really realized how much Andrew steadied Kevin. Kevin is big and imposing, but he went his whole life relying on another person.Maybe Neil could be that person.





	1. start//end

**Author's Note:**

> I'm ready to be the Kneil Queen. Give me that crown, bitch. I wanna be Sheezus.

Andrew asked Neil to take care of Kevin, and Neil wasn’t really sure why he thought that was a good idea. Being around Kevin still made Neil an anxious mess, sort of like he was just waiting for Kevin to finally shout out facts about the Butcher of Baltimore. But Andrew asked and Neil wasn’t about to fuck around; Neil was going to do his damnedest. It meant that Andrew trusted him, and that meant a whole hell of a lot to Neil, so while Andrew was away, Neil made it his personal mission to keep Kevin Day together.

That wasn’t an easy task. Neil could tell that Andrew being gone had really fucked with Kevin, and he could tell that Kevin was trying to hold it at bay. Kevin is going through the motions, and Neil can see it because Neil’s gone through the motions himself. Faking a life that isn’t yours but you so desperately want it to be? It was relatable as hell, and Neil was worried when he noticed Kevin falling into this pattern.

Neil was working on a history report for his stupid history requirement. The final exam was some dumb paper and he didn’t get why he was supposed to care—he was going to be dead soon anyways, so Neil decides to waste time by actively mocking the assignment aloud.

In reality, he’s trying to rile Kevin up. Neil doesn’t really know why he’s looking for a fight, he’s supposed to be avoiding those, especially with Andrew gone, but here he is, itching for one.

Kevin is just responding with sound bites. As if he were rattling off statistics for some reporter. Neil would never claim to be the most observant person when it comes to people, but he does notice Kevin. A consequence of obsessively journaling Kevin’s life, achievements, and habits. Neil knows that right now Kevin would normally be going off on some long tangent about Maggie Kuhn and the movement that she started and why it matters, but he isn’t and Neil immediately notices.

Andrew can’t come back to a broken Kevin, so Neil decides to fake it until he makes it. It can’t be hard. It’s not like Andrew really tries, he just does.

Neil gets up from where he’s sprawled over the desk and plops down on the couch next to Kevin, hard. Kevin is watching exy tapes on his laptop and Neil shuts it on his fingers, and when Kevin pipes up to argue only halfheartedly, Neil know it’s really bad.

Neil moves the laptop to the coffee table and shuffles Kevin so he’s leaning more on Neil than the armrest of the couch. Kevin is too tall to lay his head on Neil’s shoulder, but Kevin lets himself be pushed down so he’s leaning heavily on Neil, to the point that he’s almost pushing Neil over and into the cushions. With Kevin slumped at an angle he is able to rest his chin on Neil’s head, and eventually Neil is able to bully him down to curl up on the couch with him.

This was no easy task. Kevin had suffered from separation anxiety after leaving the Nest. You had a partner and their life was your life. Andrew had become that partner for Kevin to some degree. They went everywhere together, and having to quit Andrew cold turkey was the hardest thing Kevin had to do. Andrew steadied Kevin, almost more than Andrew steadied Neil.

Kevin is big and imposing, but he went his whole life being dependent on another person. Even if Riko wasn’t the best person to be reliant on, Kevin was pushed to have an inherent need for Riko to figure out his life for him. There was a reason Kevin was number two, and it had nothing to do with abilities. Towards the end of his time at Edgar Allan, Kevin had become frustrated with his and Riko’s relationship. Just because you need someone so much, doesn’t mean that you’re fine playing second string in your own life.

And Andrew isn’t big, but he has such a presence. For most people, that presence screamed ‘Stay away!’, but Kevin naturally gravitated toward it. He was accustomed to destruction. Everyone knows what Kevin and Andrew promised one another, but they don’t know the silent promise that Andrew made him. That he wouldn’t just protect him, but he would be his tether. Kevin needs to be firmly attached to reality and the world or else he can quickly become lost by everything that’s in his head.

He’s an adult and he is _so capable_ , he knows this. He can do this, so he micromanages everyone else. But that doesn’t mean that he has even the tiniest grasp on reality or himself. Bossing around the team is like watching tape. He knows what to say when each thing happens, but he’s not present and he’s not experiencing it.

If all he was doing was exy, no one would notice him backsliding, but Neil notices. It’s different with Kevin; he’s been at arm’s length Neil’s whole life. Neil knows, had he stayed at the nest, he would have followed Kevin around his entire life, and Neil can’t forget the significance of that. And he knows that Andrew could never give Kevin what he needs, but Neil can, and isn’t that what he promised Andrew?

Kevin slumps into him. Neil knows he doesn’t know how to ask for what he needs—someone to help him hold himself up. Neil is so much smaller than Kevin it’s almost comical, but they find a comfortable position, Neil curled up and Kevin practically on top of him. Kevin buries his face in Neil’s hair and presses trembling lips to Neil’s temple. He’s blinking hard and Neil murmurs reassurance into his neck.

“You can cry if you need to. It’s just us here.”

“’M not going to cry,” Kevin says, voice thick with emotion. His eyes have never felt more dry in his life, but it takes a few more blinks to get the image of his mother, letting him crawl into her lap when he was really small, out of his head. That was when she called him _a leanbh_ and let him press his face into her wrist, where she wore her perfume.

Neil isn’t soft like Kayleigh, and he definitely doesn’t smell as good—Kevin makes sure to tell him, making him huff out a laugh. And Neil certainly doesn’t get a soft catch in his voice calling him _my child_ in Irish.

But there is something grounding in having someone hold you up. Especially when you feel like you’ve been holding yourself together for so long. Andrew is a steadying presence that Kevin owes his life to, but there has been something missing that Kevin never really thought he’d ever get to have again.

It was different with Thea. More distant but Kevin could never really regret what he had with Thea. Neil tells him that having someone to make you better is a good thing, snuffling it into his hair. And Kevin doesn’t know how to tell him that having someone outside of the person who holds you together is vital.

He needed someone outside of Riko or Kevin didn’t think he would have survived. So Kevin is sat there, chin digging into Neil’s head, and it’s hurting his chin but he doesn’t know if he can get off Neil. He really can’t articulate what he’s feeling and he definitely can’t tell Neil what he needs. Kevin hasn’t been allowed to have needs.

Kevin feels like he’s about to shatter into a million pieces, certain that if Neil readjusts to fix Kevin’s chin he might just burst apart. His fingers anxiously pick at the tag that is poking out of the back of Neil’s shirt, elbows poked out, arms akimbo, wrapped around Neil.

Neil just pats Kevin’s arm and reaches both of his arms around his back, pulling him just a little bit closer. His chin knocks into Kevin’s collarbone and his nose is pressed into his neck at an awful angle. Neil starts to wiggle his toes under Kevin’s thigh, and by the time he’s finished he’s gotten half of his feet under Kevin’s ass. Neil is plastered against Kevin’s front in a way that makes Kevin laugh, just a short punctuated exhale.

Neil tilts his head up to look at Kevin, and it knocks Kevin’s head back when Neil head-butts his chin, making Kevin’s teeth clack together. Kevin quietly accommodates him, leaning back to make full eye contact with Neil.

“Hi,” Neil chirps.

Kevin bursts out laughing, feeling lit up from the inside out.

They don’t have a heart to heart or figure anything out. But Neil does hold Kevin all night, and eventually, Kevin lets Neil shimmy both of his feet all the way under his ass. And later, when Neil falls backward onto the couch, he takes Kevin with him. Laying down, Kevin is able to slot his head right under Neil’s chin if he sacrifices blood flow to his legs and curls them up against the couch at a weird angle.

They sleep through the night, Neil soothing Kevin back to sleep whenever he whimpered, falling into fitful dreams. When they wake up, it takes fifteen minutes for the blood to get to Kevin’s feet so he can walk, but there isn’t one second where he regrets the way he slept.


	2. forever//over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short & sweet! Subscribe to the series for any follow-ups that I eventually do (or subscribe to me and feed my ego)

_for[exybee's](exybee.tumblr.com) hoe ass_

* * *

They never end up talking, but more often than not, they end up curled around one another at the end of the night on the couch. Neither of them comment on the fact that it begins to feel like home.

When Riko texts, it’s harder for Neil to choose. He can’t just say fuck Kevin because he knows on some level that he’s the only thing holding Kevin together. Not to mention that he also made a promise to Andrew, and even though Neil isn’t used to making promises to anyone but his mother, a part of him knows that a promise to Andrew is more than a child’s thing.

It takes more than he thinks he has but Neil eventually gathers his nerve, and that night while they’re lying on the couch, Neil pushes Kevin’s chest to the point that there is an inch of space between the two of them.

Kevin raises an eyebrow, and Neil snorts, taking the time smooth his eyebrows back into place before he starts.

And he tells him everything.

It comes in fits and starts. But Neil knows that Kevin is going to find out everything eventually, and if Neil isn’t there when he finds out, there won’t be anyone there to hold him up.

Kevin tenses up really bad, but Neil is there, telling him that he has a plan to save Andrew for him. Neil doesn’t think there is anything he wouldn’t do for Kevin, but he doesn’t tell Kevin that part. Because regardless of how much Neil is willing to do for Kevin, there is an unspoken understanding that Kevin very much needs Andrew.

And Neil can’t let Riko get to Andrew for Andrew’s own sake either.

Neil doesn’t reassure Kevin that he is strong enough to exist on his own without Neil. He doesn’t reassure him of anything really. He just tells him that he is going to save Andrew for him. Adding that Riko probably won’t kill him because he wants Neil.

And this time, Kevin does cry. Because he knows exactly what Riko is going to do to Neil. Even though he never experienced it, but he isn’t an idiot. He knows exactly what happened to Jean.

Neil just holds him while he cries. He slides both hands under Kevin’s shirt and rubs his back, sliding his toes underneath the elastic of Kevin’s socks and slides them off.

It’s annoying, but it makes Kevin stop for a moment to comment on Neil’s monkey toes. Neil laughs, unguarded, and it sobers Kevin. He leans back and just looks at Neil.

He looks at Neil so long that eventually Neil furrows his brow.

“What?”

“I just want to remember,” Kevin replies.

“Remember what?” Neil asks.

“Just you, Neil.”

Neil squirms a little under his stare after that. No one has really looked at him like this, except for Andrew, but Neil just assumed that Andrew was a special case. Concerned with seeing the truth of him. The truth of his blue eyes.

But this is Kevin. Kevin already knows the truth of his blue eyes. He also knew the truth of his wild auburn hair. Neil couldn’t quite fathom what Kevin meant by that.

It was a heavy thing though, being looked at with that level of intensity.

Kevin’s eyes flit down to Neil’s lips and then back up to his eyes, so quick that Neil would have missed it if he had blinked. But Neil hadn’t blinked and he was even less certain what that could mean. He shifted, not uncomfortable but acute aware of each inch of his body in a way that he wasn’t used to, and his foot slid against Kevin’s shin.

Kevin leaned down and pressed his forehead to Neil’s.

“I’ll have Thea look out for you. She and I used to, we used to…you know”

“You were teammates.”

“It was more than that,” Kevin replied, “How I feel about you, but less.”

“I would think you’d feel differently about me than you did her, you knew Nathaniel.”

Kevin sounded so fond when he said, “That’s not what I meant,” and then he pressed a kiss to the corner of Neil’s mouth.

Neil made a soft noise of protest before bringing up Andrew.

Kevin sighed before telling Neil that it was complicated.

Neil started to sit up and Kevin felt his stomach lurch. Neil, more earnest than anything, asked Kevin to explain it to him if he came back. He leaned forward into Kevin’s space. Kevin kissed his forehead and promised that he would, before getting up and texting Thea.

The Ravens had provided Neil’s flight information, but Kevin paid to upgrade his seat. His flight wasn’t for hours yet. He landed in West Virginia at 11:49 that night, leaving him just enough time to walk grab his carry on and make it to the dark car by the time the clock hit midnight. Riko was serious about getting Neil for two weeks.

The rest of the Foxes had left, and for that Neil was glad. He didn’t know how to explain how clingy Kevin was. Neil was used to waking up early, but he had never woken up in his bed with Kevin plastered to his side. They had slept in their own beds the night before, Kevin wanted Neil to finally get a good night’s sleep before leaving, but Neil had assumed that Kevin wanted to cry alone.

Neil woke before dawn, like normal, but Kevin was snuffling into his neck. He had climbed into Neil’s bed sometime during the night. When Neil ran his fingers through Kevin’s hair, the other man’s eyes blinked open. He surged forward and wrapped himself bodily around Neil. They had hours yet, but Kevin knew just how much could happen in a few hours and he was terrified.

He started to hyperventilate and before he could really work himself up, Neil pressed his lips toKevin’s. Kevin let out a small, hurt noise before he sealed their lips together. He had gone about it all wrong. He had let Neil think, this whole time, that he was biding his time with Neil until Andrew returned, but some time during their hours wrapped around one another, Neil had wormed his way into Kevin’s heart. And now Neil was going to the Nest not knowing what he meant to him, but Kevin knew better than anyone how cruel it would be to tell Neil that he loved him before he left. At least while Neil thought he was saving Kevin’s only hope…

Neil knew that Kevin didn’t have reassuring words, so he was fine to accept tactile reassurance. They kissed lazily all day. And in the Uber on the way to the airport, Neil let Kevin wrap him in his arms. He was going to get Andrew back for Kevin and then he would be okay. He would make sure Kevin would be okay.

“Remember, Thea will look out for you. Jean will too but…” Kevin trailed off.

“But what?” Neil asked.

Kevin didn’t know how to tell him that Jean was probably going to have to hold Neil down. He closed his eyes in pain and pressed his lips to Neil’s forehead.

“Just…remember Thea,” Kevin sighed, before watching Neil get out of the Uber. He had the driver wait until Neil wasn’t visible through the doors before he took Kevin back to Wymack’s apartment. He didn’t know how he was going to explain everything to him, but he knew that without Andrew, he wasn’t enough to protect Neil anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments keep me writing! Unless they are unhelpful like "write more now" or "update" because those make me sad and not want to write. That's why I've been so spotty about writing recently, so I'm sorry but I'm working on it!
> 
> [my tumblr is here](exychamp.tumblr.com)


End file.
